Skittish.
The title of this post is exactly how I feel today. My heart keeps thumping away at the slightest occurence. My thoughts are patchy, with a slightly un-nerving ambience. My mood swings are erratic, needy..to mardy..to rage. And not at anything in particular, just generally tiny minute things that flutter away within minutes. I am hoping this is not due to a relapse in my GAD. As I’m currently off medication, and surviving without major issues or attacks. I just feel really WEIRD.
I am desparate to feel good about myself. This morning I stared into the mirror for 10minutes, making me late for work, but I was transfixed. Feelings arose of guilt, shame, confusion, and discontent. I didn’t recognise myself. There stood a girl, a short, chunky girl, with shoulder length wavy brown hair, holes in her ears from former flesh tunnels, no studs going along with width of her ears, a tiny stud in her right nostril, no make up, dressed in cropped maroon trousers, a blouse and brogues. I don’t know when this became my identity, but I am desparate to gain some back. This isn’t even about physical features either. I have a very weird feeling of being lost, and a bit confused and disorientated. It’s a very odd feeling and it’s not sitting right with me.
I don’t have any friends. Well the only one I see regularly is George. Now friendships are a two way thing, and generally the rule is to try and make contact. But I literally work 7 days, over 60hours a week most weeks. And I won’t use this as an excuse, but nobody really bothers to say hello or ask how I am. I’m desparate for somebody to just ask me how I am. I have made efforts to go back to my home town, to little response. I suppose I’m just a bit lonely, and I look through social networking sites and see the photos and I just get a pang of neglect. Luckily my boyfriend is my best friend, and we hang out and do stupid mate stuff, but he’s still my boyfriend, and it’s not not really fair that I have the one person for everything, when other people have actual friends.
Sometimes it feels like since I moved away from home, I have been pretty much forgotten. And it’s my birthday on Saturday, and no one will make an effort to come and see me.
I need to stop feeling incredibly sorry for myself.
I need a day off.
I need a friend.
I need to stop thinking today about going and buying some new clothes or getting my hair done tomorrow, because a quick fix wont help.
I need to step back and actually congratulate myself for actually doing fantastic things. I work over 40hours a week for a charity, UNPAID. Granted, its for my degree, but I still have a duty to do it.
I need to stop craving cigarettes today, and eating out of boredom and comfort.
I need to speak up sometimes, and not let everything inside seep out and manifest into negative behaviours.
I need to stop wanting to scream in peoples faces out of sheer frustration because I feel like I’m falling apart and I can’t tell them how I feel.
I need to stop getting that choked up feeling like I’m going to sob my fucking heart out.
(via thebeautyyouare)
(Source: ericitaaaa, via lanntastic)
haha tim burton films..so true.
- tim burton: hey guys i had an idea-
- producers: oh god not again
- tim burton: so we have some undead people
- tim burton: who are creepy and shit
- tim burton: and helena you know my wife helena she's in it of course
- tim burton: and we call up johnny you know johnny depp to be in it
- tim burton: what do you think?
(Source: stronger-faster-harder-wiser, via lanntastic)
Anonymous asked Are you involved in any charities?
I’m currently working for a charity as part of a Uni thing. It’s working in a specialist support centre for lesbian,gay, bisexual and trans people. Even though I am none of the above, I love working with people who may not have shared interests and goals as the majority of society, but they go through the same things and face the same problems as anyone else. A lot of the work we do centres around family breakdown, addiction, abuse, and mental health. We also train bigger organisations like the police, and raise awareness against discriminating against LGBT. I went into the centre with no previous knowledge of anything I’d be doing. But I absolutely love it. I love helping people. I love helping people to make informed decisions about their life, and watching them gain self-worth, and watching them leave our place with a smile on their face, knowing their head is a little clearer, their heart a little less broken, and their problems a little bit fixed.
(Source: odiepricklepants, via rachybaaaby)
Pondering.
Thinking about taking some of the stuff on my old myspace blog and putting it on here. I had 5000 odd subscribers so maybe it could be of use to some tumbleenies.
Hmm.
